Forget Sharknadoes. Boaricanes.

So you survived Sharknado 2. Big deal--a host of other unnatural disasters and biological portmanteaux lurk in the dim corners of our planet (and the SyFy Channel), waiting to unleash their terror on bikini-clad hysterics, real-life-talk-show-hosts-at-career-crossroads, and throngs of unpaid extras. Fortunately, we have a resource for countering the coming waves of these straight-to-cable CGI abominations: How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters: Fight Back When Monsters and Mother Nature Attack provides the essential information and tactics you'll need to combat Sharktopus, Redneck Gator, Pirhanaconda, and many more of Mother Earth's vengeful agents. Author Andrew Shaffer (with contributors Fin Shepard and April Wexler) have generously provided background on three of the most direct threats: Boaricanes, Bigfoot, and Dinoshark.

Godspeed, and keep one eye to the skies.

 

Boaricane
Boaricane Vitals

"Hurricanes are called 'triple threats' because of their strong winds, high waves, and torrential rainfall. Throw in hundreds of robotically enhanced wild boars, and a hurrican bumps up to a full-alarm boaricane. Double the size of regular feral hogs, "cyboars" have hydraulic-powered metal skeletons underneath their flesh and blood. Male cyboars sport stainless-steel tusks sharp as machetes. To power their robotics, they need to eat constantly, and often hunt in packs. The cyboars' heavy, squat bodies allow to maneuver with ease during hurricanes.When strong winds knock you off balance, cyboars descend in a feeding frenzy."


Bigfoot
Bigfoot Vitals

"STUDY: Incontrovertible proof of the creature's existence comes to us from a 2012 rock concert in South Dakota, where a Sasquatch was caught on film by dozens of attendees. Video from the event makes the classic Patterson film--tha shaggy, man-sized beast swinging its arms in the woods--seem downright quaint. One shocking video from Deadwood shows the the two-story Sasquatch punting rocker Alice Cooper a hundred yards over the heads of fleeing concertgoers. The vide has over 100 million views on YouTube."


Dinoshark
Dinoshark Vitals

"STUDY: In 2007, a large aquatic animal attacked a boat off of the coast of Alaska. The creature swallowed the ships emergency position-indicating radio bacon (EPIRB). In 2010, authorities tracked the EPIRB to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, the site of additional boat attacks. Survivors reported seeing a twenty-foot-long horned sea creature. One witness went so far as to call it a 'dinoshark.' Marine biologist Carol Brubaker didn't believe a prehistoric shark was terrorizing the Mexican Coast."


Sharknado

 

Excerpted from How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters. Copyright © 2014 by Andrew Shaffer. Excerpted by permission of Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.


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